Monday's Rant

 I feel the need to warn you, my loyal readers (all 12 of you). 

 I'm cranky today.

I woke up with zero voice thanks to Ragweed, mold, and post-nasal drip.  I needed to call my allergist with my new insurance card information because when I was there week before last, our cards weren't in.  I thought I'd spare them my squeaking and just drop by.  I walk up to the lady at the reception desk, squeaked as loudly as I could that I was there with my new insurance information.  She said, "Oh my, did you lose your voice?"  No, Dr. Oz.  Your diagnosis is wrong.  I enjoy speaking this way.  I explain why I'm there and she says, "So you don't have an appointment today?"  WHY IS THIS SO HARD?  Just take my information and let me leave!  The nurse sees me and says, "Oh, do you want an appointment today?"  I explain I was just there, I have more drugs in my system than Keith Richards on a bender, and if they're concerned enough, maybe they could ask the doc if I can just have more steroids.  Oh, no.  She's going to ask him when she gets in.  Given that I can't talk, I suggest she send me a text message.  Well, an hour later she calls me and says that the doc DOES want to see me and perhaps my current arsenal of allergy medication isn't sufficient (Ya think?) and when would I like to come in?  The lady then begins to get irritated that she can't hear me.  Seriously?  Bottom line, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow.

After that pleasant encounter I had to head over to get a new battery for my car, Tammy Tsu.  The dude at the counter says, "Hey, you lost your voice?"  I resist the urge to punch him in the throat and tell him I need a new battery.  It'll be 30 minutes.  Great!  Until it wasn't.  People, if you find yourself in a waiting room and need to engage in angry texting, please turn the sound off.  The incessant clicking will piss a girl right off.  Apparently I'm not the only one.  Four other people got up to get away from this lady.  The only thing that would have made it worse would have been if she'd sat there and had a full-on conversation in the quiet waiting room.  Phone etiquette, people.  Use it.

This got me thinking about other things that really get under my skin.  I find that sharing the burden of irritation has become a great coping mechanism.  It's your lucky day!!!  You all know I have strong opinions regarding correct grammar, but here are 10 more of life's vexations that fuel a long, drawn-out blog post.

1)  Crooked Christmas lights.  For the love of Griswold, if you're going to spend the time decking your outdoor halls, take the time to do it correctly!
2)  When people whistle through their noses.  Get a tissue!
3)  Carnations and star-gazer lilies.  I hate them.  I really do.  I'm sorry if they're your favorite flower, and I know that God created all things in His image, but when I get to heaven I'm going to ask him what he was thinking with these two flowers.  Actually, no.  I'm not going to ask God.  I'm going to ask the florists of the world why in the hell they had to ruin these two flowers for the rest of us by making them the most popular flower in funeral floral arrangements.
4)  People that want to sweep under my table/chair in a restaurant while I'm eating.
5)  Entire families trick-or-treating and expecting candy. Moms, dads, grandmas, aunts and uncles can just step aside.  Only people under 5 ft tall are getting candy.
6)  Crocs.  They're just ugly.
7)  People who feel the need to discuss their bodily functions with complete strangers.  I really don't care about your colon health and I would appreciate it if you kept your opinions of my colon to yourself.
8)  People who complain about their weight and then go to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.
9)  When the radio station isn't quite clear and there's that little static, but nobody changes the station.
10)  When people say, "Wow, you really post too much on Facebook."  Um, excuse me, but since when are you the Facebook police?  I love Facebook!  I am the first person to admit my obsession with it. I won't switch to Twitter because I'm not a tweeter with a twat or whatever.  I LOVE FACEBOOK!  If you don't like it, then block me.  There are worse transgressions in life.