Most people think of fall as the time when the weather gets cooler, the leaves start turning, the football games are on tv, families are outdoors day and night, pumpkin spiced shit everywhere, and Christmas takes over Hobby Lobby before Labor Day. This is true for us, but it's also the time when I enter the seventh circle of hell. I am horribly allergic to fall. I love fall, but right about now it can kiss my ass.
My littlest guy is in pre-school and I enjoy seeing him come home with all of his new "letter of the week" stuff. So much so, I was inspired to write this, today.
Amusing Amy's Autumn ABC's
(sue me for loving alliteration)
A- Antihistamines. I take 3 per day year-round.
B- Blow your nose...all damn day
C- Crying. Lots of crying.
D- Doctors Offices. Some of the most disgusting people hang out in these places.
E- Eating. Chicken noodle soup sounds like a great idea, but I'm freakin' starving again in 5 minutes. (See F and S)
F- Food. I need lots of food. An all-you-can-eat buffet would be great. (See E and S)
G- Go Away! Leave me alone to wallow in my misery! (See Q)
H- Hacking cough. It's sexy. Just ask my husband.
I- Incontinence. Don't judge me. You have three major abdominal surgeries and keep from wetting your pants when you sneeze 73 times in a row
J- Jackasses. They come out in the fall. They ask you stupid questions like, "Did you lose your voice?" or "Are your allergies bothering you?"
K- Kisses. Mine have healing powers (See M)
L- Laundry. So. Much. Laundry. (See I)
M- Mommy. I really wish I had mine (See K)
N- Neti-pot. It was a near-drowning experience, but I've grown to appreciate sinus rinses and have stepped it up a notch to saline in a jet-force spray
O- Outside. It's just rude! It looks so beautiful and inviting, but it's a death trap.
P- Puffs Plus with Lotion. I should just know to buy it in bulk. (See T)
Q- Quiet! Why is everyone so damn loud? My ears hurt! Stop it! (See G)
R- Rain. Rain would save me, but no. Mother Nature can kiss my ass. (see O)
S- Steroids. I'll let you know when I'm done eating my porterhouse and you can watch me bench-press my neighbor's SUV. (See E and F)
T- Tampons. If I had any, I'd consider sticking them up my nose. (See P)
U- Upper Respiratory Infection. At least it's not bronchitis. Ain't nobody got time for that.
V- Voice. If you see mine, please let me know. Oh, and tell it I'll see it in November. Thanks
W- Weeds. Especially Ragweed. Why in the hell does this satanic fairy dust have to exist?
X- X-rays. Do you know how many x-rays my kid and I have had of our sinuses?
Y- Yoga Pants. They've never been to yoga. Don't tell.
Z- Zyrtec. God bless it.
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