Who I Am

I have....

An amazing husband who is as good looking as he is kind and two gorgeous boys

(told ya)

A house that is a home

A great counselor

Debt

A very lovable 105 lb lap dog

Two reliable cars

Bills

Taken control of my health and wellness

Incredible girlfriends

Baggage

A relationship with God

The gift of a voice

The opportunity to stay home full-time

Laundry.  Lots of laundry

Self-confidence

No filter

A ton of appointments each week

I want...

My mom

Another dog

Granite counter tops

Wood floors

A clean house

Landscaping in the backyard

A new car

An Ipad

New clothes

A week-long vacation with my husband

To lose 10 more lbs

To sing professionally

A weekly massage

A large flat-screen TV in the living room

To be debt free

A closer relationship with God

More time with my girlfriends

More energy

More hours in the day

A personal shopper

Does anyone else see the random nature of these two lists?  

Today has not gotten off to a great start.  I'm not going to lie.  I considered opening a bottle of wine before I'd even had my coffee.  I was rear-ended while backing out of my parking spot after preschool drop-off.  I was creeeeeeeping out of my spot because there was a big ass SUV parked next to me and I couldn't really see around it.  I wasn't half-way out of my spot when WHAMMO!  Black mini-van slammed into me.  It's freaking birthday/Christmas/HOA dues time and a $500 deductible is not in the budget.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I'm ok.  My bumper will have to be repaired for the second time in two months, but nobody was hurt.  Not even the little darling who was nearly crawling up on my wrecked bumper saying "Ooooh, Mommy!  She has a Texas A&M shiny thingy on her car!  Look!  It's so shiny!"  Move, you little shit!  This parking lot is a danger zone and you are clearly not in the safest proximity of my bumper.

I digress....

WARNING!!!  WHINING AHEAD!!  FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!

Can I just tell you that this was NOT on my list of things to deal with today?  It's Clay's birthday and I have 6062 things to do before he gets home.  Dealing with insurance on an issue that will most likely be labeled my fault (even though it so effing was NOT my fault) was not on that list of things to do.  I have a house to clean and I have cupcakes to frost!  

All I really want to do is sit on my ass and drink wine.  I can take care of myself, eat right, exercise and maintain everyones' schedules OR I can be financially responsible, run the house, do the shopping and cooking and keep up with the laundry and cleaning.  I can't do both.  You're going to have to pick one.  Problem here is that I NEED TO DO BOTH!  

I am 37 years old.  I have a college degree. 

I NEED to be a better steward of finances.  I'm quite sure that Dave Ramsey would revoke my Financial Peace University diploma if he could.  I've taken the course.  I know what to do.  I know all about the asshat envelopes.  I hear the people call in on Fridays to scream "We're debt free!!!"  I so want to be one of those people.  I know what I have to do to get there.  The problem?  I don't want to eat rice and beans!  (Those things are NOT on the Paleo Diet, people.)  I tried canceling our cable.  I'd like Dave to come on over and listen to Clay flip his shit when he can't watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  I once heard Dave tell the mother of a child with severe Autism that maybe she should cut back on some of his therapies to save some money.  And this right here is where Dave and I part ways.  I'm gonna tell you right now that Autism is NOT cheap. I am thankful for good insurance, even if I do have to call those bastards weekly because they haven't paid a claim they should pay.  But even with insurance, we pay enough to buy me lots of granite counter tops, TVs, and have a full-time housekeeper.  I wouldn't do it any differently, though.

Yes, I am a stay-at-home mom.  Problem is, I haven't quite figured out when the stay-at-home part happens.  I had a housekeeper for a while (I put her on hold until after the holidays after the incident in the parking lot today) and someone said, "Wait, why do you have one if you stay at home full-time?"  Please excuse me while I put my foot through your teeth.

I want to know how "those women" do it all.  You know who you are.  You show up at preschool drop-off looking like a Nike ad in your workout gear and then show up at pick-up in your cute outfit with your perfect hair and make-up.  How do you make gourmet meals in your large granite-laden kitchen 6 nights a week from organic foods that you raised in your perfectly landscaped backyard?  How do you find the time and money to pay for your gym membership, chiropractor, massage therapist, housekeeper, and ginormous fully-loaded SUV and serve on three committees at church, volunteer as room mom for 3 of your 4 kids, do all sorts of DIY stuff you found on Pinterest and have an immaculate house?  I'll admit it, I'm jealous.  I'm also convinced that you have some pile of shit you're standing in that none of us knows anything about.  

We are not perfect.  We are not machines.  We are human.  God created us in His image to be flawed and imperfect so that we would recognize His perfection and the grace that He pours out daily.  Let me tell you how much grace I'm swimming in over here.

When I asked Luke what he wanted for Christmas, he said he wanted a Wii-U.  When I told him he was out of his effing mind on that one (paraphrasing here), he said, "Oh, I figured, but it never hurts to ask.  I'd really just like to have a Rainbow Loom, some Legos and some pajama pants.  That's all I really need.  I don't need stuff.  I have you guys."  Later, I asked him what he wanted to give his teachers for Christmas.  He said, "Could we donate to a charity in their honor?" I'll pause now while some of you get a tissue and wipe your eyes and the rest of you pick your jaw up off the floor.  Clay is 5 years old today.  He has friends.  He sang "Jesus Loves Me" all the way to school today.  This is the child that I never knew if he was going to be able to talk and function in a neurotypical environment.  

  I'm vain.  I'm selfish.  I'm impulsive.  I'm needy.  I'm wanty.  

But...

I am a child of God.  I am a mother.  I am a wife.  I am an athlete.  I am a writer.  

I have everything I need and some of the things I want.

I'm doing the important things right.  I'll work on the things I need to do better.  

For now, I'll thank God for His grace and forgiveness...and for creating me to be exactly who I am.

The title bar of my blog describes me perfectly.