It's not an STD, nor is it a country in North America

I may have mentioned in a previous post that fall allergies kick my ass.  They always bring the unwanted sinus infection, so I am no stranger to antibiotics, and I take antihistamines 365 days a year.  This fall allergy season, however, has brought on a whole new experience for me.  

I started my first antibiotic right around Labor Day weekend.  Apparently my sinuses are assholes.  As of Sunday, I was on day 8 of a 20 day cycle for my 4th antibiotic.  Yeah.  Good times.  The sinus infection of all sinus infections.  I've taken a Z-pack, Cefdinir, Levaquin and Clindamycin.  These last two are the bullies on the playground, but they were no match for the assholes.  What this team of bullies did do was make me feel like I had the flu, chronic fatigue, and mono all at the same time.  Oh, and did I mention I still had the infection?  Yeah.  My allergist, though very smart, was just not making the right calls.  I decided to divorce him.  

I believe in the benefits of chiropractic care and as I was sharing my struggle with the assholes she said, "I can walk you across the hall if you want to see one of our allergists."  God bless her.  (She shares a practice with a general practitioner and an allergist.)  Paulina, the allergy PA says, "No more antibiotics.  They aren't working.  We will do allergy testing next week and I will do a food panel as well because I'm sure that there are some food issues that are adding to your problem.  It's time for a new approach."  YES!  I love you, Paulina!  Until I don't.....

Paulina says that this infection is fungal.  Yes, boys and girls, there's a fungus among us.  She says that I'm most likely over-run with yeast.  The yeast is a bi-product of all the antibiotics, but also a likely culprit for the snot factory.  Sexy, right?  "Yes, you definitely have allergies, and we need to address those, but the Candida overgrowth is a bigger problem."  Excuse me?  The what?  I do not have an STD and to my knowledge I don't go to Calgary until December.

Candida (yeast), apparently, is the real asshole.  (Sorry sinuses.  I didn't mean what I said.  Forgive me.)  How do I get rid of it?  Continue taking pro-biotics, take an arsenal of anti-yeast medications and go on a 30 day Candida protocol diet.  Um, ok.  I'll do whatever I need to do to feel better, but what the heck is a Candida protocol diet?  Basically it means no sugar, grains, wheat, carbs, dairy or fermented beverages for 30 days.  

Does anyone else notice that there is no wine on here?  

Yesterday sucked.  I'm not gonna lie.  You know that song, "How Do I Live Without You?"  It was on the "Con Air" soundtrack, recorded by Tricia Yearwood and also by LeAnn Rimes, and it caused all kinds of controversy at the Grammy Awards because LeAnn performed it but Tricia rightfully won the Grammy.  Yeah,  I'm pretty sure that was written about my relationship with carbs.  I went through a moment of panic as I was trying to figure out how to live without them for the next 30 days, but I'm a big girl.  I can do this.  I spent a small fortune on produce at HEB and really wanted to explain myself to the pharmacist when I picked up a 40-day supply of anti-fungal medications.  "Dude, do not direct me to the Monistat.  It's not that kind of yeast problem."  Having said that, wouldn't it be easier to just cram some of that stuff up my nose?  Yeah, probably not.  That wouldn't target the chronic fatigue, joint pain, lethargy, and headaches.  But it sure did sound like a viable option at first.

So, what's the good news?  First, I'm likely to drop 10-20 lbs this month.  Second, I finish this protocol two days before the most carbalicious, sugary, yeasty holiday celebration of all...Thanksgiving.

Bring on the pie, bitches!

S.H.I.T. (Sure happy it's Thursday)

This post's title sums it up.  This week has sucked.  Really.  In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it's not all that terrible, but for me it has sucked.  I started with a washing machine leaking water last Friday.  Repair person came Saturday and it worked just fine. (Of course it did.)  Biggest little dude and I have been out for the count all week due to that bitch, Mother Nature, and her raping trees (see the ABC's of Fall).  I couldn't even go do my most favorite thing in the world at Wednesday night choir practice because I'd sound like everyone would be afraid of my sudden case of tuberculosis.  Then came today.  Today was going to be good.  I looked cute.  My kids were happy.  Did I mention I looked cute?  I did.  Anyway, my youngest had his annual appointment at the Autism Center at Texas Children's  downtown, so we left as soon as we dropped big brother off at school.  Not 4 miles into my journey, I got rear ended!  I can't make this shit up, people.  Not only did I get rear ended, but I spilled coffee EVERYWHERE.  It's on the headliner, on my kid's car seat, on the windshield, in the trunk, all over the engine...What? It could happen!  Maybe I got carried away.  Who cares?!  Focus, people!!!  My heart's one true happiness at 8:30 a.m. was wasted.  But back to the real issue.  I was rear ended.  By the nicest, most terrified 16 year old ever.  I couldn't even be mean.  He was so nervous.  So shaken.  He and 4 of his buddies were on their way to volunteer with the PALS program.  Yes, boys and girls.  They were on their way to a local elementary school.  I asked him if he had called his parents and all he could say was, "I haven't called anyone.  I've never done this before.  I don't know what to do."  Bless. Your. Heart.  "Give me your insurance card and call your mom or dad."  "Yes ma'am."  At this point I should have drop kicked him right in the family jewels, but I didn't.  I'm a nice middle-aged woman who gets called ma'am.  When I called his mom later in the day to check on him she said he was so upset not only because of the accident, but because he hit a fellow Aggie who loved running.  It took me a second to recall what running lover he was talking about.  Oh!  That's ME!

Nobody is hurt.  No body lost anything valuable or irreplaceable.  But, JEEZ! WHY THE MA'AM!  I used to say, "You have to be at least 35 to be a ma'am."  Shit.  I'm 37.  Fueling obesity would be so much cheaper.  I could just buy a half gallon of Blue Bell, a can of frosting and some Cheese Whiz and call it a day, but no. I'm pissed that I'm sick.  I'm pissed that my kid is sick.  I'm pissed that I got rear ended.  And I'm really pissed that I don't sleep well because my bed sucks.  My new bed is being delivered tonight.  I'm all about solving problems, kids.  

"Be the change you want to see in the world."  Ghandi was a freakin' genius.  Know what I want to see in my world?  A well-rested Amy.  Namaste, y'all.

And if the cable that has been out for 2 days doesn't start working before football games start on Saturday, I will lose it.

The ABC's of Fall

Most people think of fall as the time when the weather gets cooler, the leaves start turning, the football games are on tv, families are outdoors day and night, pumpkin spiced shit everywhere, and Christmas takes over Hobby Lobby before Labor Day.  This is true for us, but it's also the time when I enter the seventh circle of hell.  I am horribly allergic to fall.  I love fall, but right about now it can kiss my ass.

My littlest guy is in pre-school and I enjoy seeing him come home with all of his new "letter of the week" stuff.  So much so, I was inspired to write this, today.

Amusing Amy's Autumn ABC's
(sue me for loving alliteration)
A- Antihistamines. I take 3 per day year-round.
B- Blow your nose...all damn day
C- Crying.  Lots of crying.
D- Doctors Offices.  Some of the most disgusting people hang out in these places.
E- Eating.  Chicken noodle soup sounds like a great idea, but I'm freakin' starving again in 5 minutes. (See  F and S)
F- Food.  I need lots of food.  An all-you-can-eat buffet would be great. (See E and S)
G- Go Away!  Leave me alone to wallow in my misery! (See Q)
H- Hacking cough.  It's sexy.  Just ask my husband.
I- Incontinence.  Don't judge me.  You have three major abdominal surgeries and keep from wetting your pants when you sneeze 73 times in a row
J- Jackasses.  They come out in the fall.  They ask you stupid questions like, "Did you lose your voice?" or "Are your allergies bothering you?"
K- Kisses.  Mine have healing powers (See M)
L- Laundry.  So. Much. Laundry.  (See I)
M-  Mommy.  I really wish I had mine (See K)
N- Neti-pot.  It was a near-drowning experience, but I've grown to appreciate sinus rinses and have stepped it up a notch to saline in a jet-force spray
O- Outside.  It's just rude!  It looks so beautiful and inviting, but it's a death trap.
P- Puffs Plus with Lotion.  I should just know to buy it in bulk. (See T)
Q- Quiet!  Why is everyone so damn loud?  My ears hurt!  Stop it! (See G)
R-  Rain.  Rain would save me, but no.  Mother Nature can kiss my ass.  (see O)
S-  Steroids.  I'll let you know when I'm done eating my porterhouse and you can watch me bench-press my neighbor's SUV. (See E and F)
T- Tampons.  If I had any, I'd consider sticking them up my nose. (See P)
U-  Upper Respiratory Infection.  At least it's not bronchitis.  Ain't nobody got time for that.
V- Voice.  If you see mine, please let me know.  Oh, and tell it I'll see it in November.  Thanks
W- Weeds.  Especially Ragweed.  Why in the hell does this satanic fairy dust have to exist?
X- X-rays.  Do you know how many x-rays my kid and I have had of our sinuses?
Y- Yoga Pants.  They've never been to yoga.  Don't tell.

Z- Zyrtec.  God bless it.

More Ranting for Tuesday

Maybe it was my therapeutic brain dump yesterday.  Maybe it was being awake all night coughing up a lung.  Maybe I just have a lot more that I need to get off my chest.  I just know that I am still very cranky and need to share a few more things that really piss me off.

1)  Superfluous safety seals.  Ok, Proctor and Gamble.  We get it.  You want people to have untainted meds.  (Hahahaha.  I said "taint".  Sorry.  I'm really a 15 year old boy trapped in a 37 year old woman's body).  But, is it really necessary to put a safety seal on the box, a safety seal on the cap, and then a foil safety seal on the bottle that requires a bayonet?  I swear I'll drop dead from whatever is ailing me before I get to the damn remedy.

2)  Doctors that make you wait longer than 30 minutes for your scheduled appointment and have multiple postings that if you are more than 30 minutes late for your appointment, you will be charged.

3)  When the guy in the drive-thru asks if you want any ketchup and you say yes and he gives you just one packet.  Wow.  So generous.  That'll be good for one of my fries.  Have a nice day, asshat.

4)  When your husband/kid/dog/yardman wakes you up 10 minutes before the alarm goes off.  I swear I wake up thinking I'm gonna cut a bitch.  Not a good way to start the day.

5)  Parents who start lining up in carpool at 2:00 for a 3:40 dismissal.  Did I miss something?  Is there a medal given for the person who picks their kid up first?

6)  When you feel like complete shit and plan to spend the day on the couch cuddling a box of Puffs with Lotion, but your kid wakes up sick, too.  Moms don't get a day off.  Don't misunderstand me.  I love my job and I love my children, but there are no sick days when you're the Mama.

7)  When said sick child won't shut the hell up and just let you wither away in silence.

8)  Chocolate chip cookies that turn out to have raisins instead of chocolate chips.  That's just rude!

9)  When people are on a special diet and feel the need to talk about it non-stop.  I get it.  You're committed.  I've been on Weight Watchers for over a year.  I don't feel the need to talk to anyone and everyone about it at the drop of a hat.  Just shut up, eat your lettuce, and be sad.

10)  People that honk at you the nanosecond the light turns green.  Simmer down!  This isn't the Indy 500, you jackass!  

I told you I was still cranky.

Monday's Rant

 I feel the need to warn you, my loyal readers (all 12 of you). 

 I'm cranky today.

I woke up with zero voice thanks to Ragweed, mold, and post-nasal drip.  I needed to call my allergist with my new insurance card information because when I was there week before last, our cards weren't in.  I thought I'd spare them my squeaking and just drop by.  I walk up to the lady at the reception desk, squeaked as loudly as I could that I was there with my new insurance information.  She said, "Oh my, did you lose your voice?"  No, Dr. Oz.  Your diagnosis is wrong.  I enjoy speaking this way.  I explain why I'm there and she says, "So you don't have an appointment today?"  WHY IS THIS SO HARD?  Just take my information and let me leave!  The nurse sees me and says, "Oh, do you want an appointment today?"  I explain I was just there, I have more drugs in my system than Keith Richards on a bender, and if they're concerned enough, maybe they could ask the doc if I can just have more steroids.  Oh, no.  She's going to ask him when she gets in.  Given that I can't talk, I suggest she send me a text message.  Well, an hour later she calls me and says that the doc DOES want to see me and perhaps my current arsenal of allergy medication isn't sufficient (Ya think?) and when would I like to come in?  The lady then begins to get irritated that she can't hear me.  Seriously?  Bottom line, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow.

After that pleasant encounter I had to head over to get a new battery for my car, Tammy Tsu.  The dude at the counter says, "Hey, you lost your voice?"  I resist the urge to punch him in the throat and tell him I need a new battery.  It'll be 30 minutes.  Great!  Until it wasn't.  People, if you find yourself in a waiting room and need to engage in angry texting, please turn the sound off.  The incessant clicking will piss a girl right off.  Apparently I'm not the only one.  Four other people got up to get away from this lady.  The only thing that would have made it worse would have been if she'd sat there and had a full-on conversation in the quiet waiting room.  Phone etiquette, people.  Use it.

This got me thinking about other things that really get under my skin.  I find that sharing the burden of irritation has become a great coping mechanism.  It's your lucky day!!!  You all know I have strong opinions regarding correct grammar, but here are 10 more of life's vexations that fuel a long, drawn-out blog post.

1)  Crooked Christmas lights.  For the love of Griswold, if you're going to spend the time decking your outdoor halls, take the time to do it correctly!
2)  When people whistle through their noses.  Get a tissue!
3)  Carnations and star-gazer lilies.  I hate them.  I really do.  I'm sorry if they're your favorite flower, and I know that God created all things in His image, but when I get to heaven I'm going to ask him what he was thinking with these two flowers.  Actually, no.  I'm not going to ask God.  I'm going to ask the florists of the world why in the hell they had to ruin these two flowers for the rest of us by making them the most popular flower in funeral floral arrangements.
4)  People that want to sweep under my table/chair in a restaurant while I'm eating.
5)  Entire families trick-or-treating and expecting candy. Moms, dads, grandmas, aunts and uncles can just step aside.  Only people under 5 ft tall are getting candy.
6)  Crocs.  They're just ugly.
7)  People who feel the need to discuss their bodily functions with complete strangers.  I really don't care about your colon health and I would appreciate it if you kept your opinions of my colon to yourself.
8)  People who complain about their weight and then go to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.
9)  When the radio station isn't quite clear and there's that little static, but nobody changes the station.
10)  When people say, "Wow, you really post too much on Facebook."  Um, excuse me, but since when are you the Facebook police?  I love Facebook!  I am the first person to admit my obsession with it. I won't switch to Twitter because I'm not a tweeter with a twat or whatever.  I LOVE FACEBOOK!  If you don't like it, then block me.  There are worse transgressions in life.

Adventures in Autism

This post will be one of my few almost serious posts.  I promise not to do it too often.  I have a reputation to maintain.

My 4 year old has Autism.  I've known he was different since birth, and the "A" word was used for the first time when he was 15 months old.   I truly believe that early, intense intervention has made a HUGE difference for not only his future, but ours.  Is everyday a walk in the park?  Hell no!  Do I drink more coffee and wine than the FDA recommends?  You bet!  Is there something to laugh about every day?  Absofreakinglutely!  You have to keep a sense of humor or you just won't make it!

Here area  few memories that make us smile a bunch around here....

1) I think all boys are fascinated with their man parts, but when Clay discovered his it was like a whole new world had just been unlocked.  He could not keep his hands off of his junk. We were waiting in the therapist's office and I said, "Do you need to go potty?"  He ignored me, and kept right on playing.  "Clay, do you need to go potty?"  Again...nothing.  "Clay?  Mommy is talking to you."  Very agitated he looked at me and said, "I don't need to potty!  I just want to touch my penis!!"  Alrighty then.  The good news (?) is that one of my nephews did the same thing and he's neurotypical.

2)  Clay can imitate anything.  We call him our little Rainman.  He knows all the words (at least how he hears them) to the Red Hot Chili Peppers songs "Snow" and "Under the Bridge" and "These Days" by Foo Fighters.  He listens to them on repeat and sing along....especially in the grocery store.  He will take my phone, find the songs and play them on full volume.  I've tried to turn it down and he just gets mad.  The best is when I was complimented on what must be excellent parenting as evident by my child's choice in music.

3)  This last one happened today.  Clay was the "Ambassador" in class today, which means he was the line leader, lead calendar/weather during circle time, and was the teacher's first helper.  As a reward, he got to choose a prize from the treasure chest.  He chose some new teeth.

Isn't he handsome?

It's a rarity that I have him alone on a weekday, so I asked if he wanted to go to lunch at Freebirds.  He loves Freebirds and the staff is always so genuine and helpful.  They might bar the door the next time they see us coming, though.  Those teeth ended up being launched over the glass into the corn salsa.  

Here's the thing, people.  You can cry or you can laugh.  Lord knows I shed enough tears, and I'm grateful for those moments when I can throw my head back and laugh with my little dude.  Even if he does need some dental work.

I'm still trying to understand why people were staring at us.....

Aaaaaand We're Back

Well, the first week of school for my 3rd grader went off without a hitch!  As reluctant as he was to pose for pictures and give me kisses (nothing new there), he had a great first day.  Reminded me of his first day at preschool when I picked him up and he said, "Mom, I had a great day!  I made good choices!  Wait, did you leave?  All day?  YOU JUST LEFT ME HERE??!!"  He was a funny little dude.  Every parent and teacher knows that the first week of school brings the back to school germs.  My house turned into a breeding ground for viral plague this weekend.  My poor little 4 year old started preschool today and his reward was a trip to the doctor.  Upper respiratory and ear infections?  Ain't nobody got time for that!!  At least it isn't bronchitis.  Whew.

When my oldest started kinder we had a huge first day celebration with posters, balloons, streamers, and the works.  It was a par-tay!  I thought I had done something amazeballs.  And then came Pinterest.  These people make ME look like the kindergartner.  I do manage to make a special breakfast and dinner for the first day, but some people just have way too much time and energy on their hands.  Either that, or they're on drugs.  I haven't figured out which.  While I was waiting for preschool pick-up, I came across this link, and I really feel as though I need to meet this woman.  We would be great friends, don't you think?  

My absolute least favorite part of the back to school stuff is all the PTA paperwork.  SAVE A TREE, PEOPLE!  PUT ALL OF IT ON THE INTERWEBS!!  THAT'S WHY AL GORE INVENTED IT!  I swear I am cross-eyed from checking the little boxes, and I'm sure that there's some very judgmental PTA member shaking her head at the decline in my handwriting.  Whatever.  I sent my check.  Give me my free Chick-fil-a sandwiches and keep your opinions to yourself, lady.

My second least favorite part of the back to school stuff is Curriculum Night.  This is basically where we sit and listen to the team explain their expectations for the year.  I'm a former teacher.  I get it.  It's an important thing to do.....for those parents who can't READ.   Lucky me, I have the human snot factory and a husband working late, so my group text with two of my fellow soccer mom girlfriends went something like this:

Me:  I'm going to keep L home from soccer.  He's been really sick all weekend (probably from partying so hard Friday night with your kid, J.)

J:  Poor guy

Me:  And we just got home from the doc to find out C has an upper respiratory and ear infection.  YAYNESS!  The hubs won't be home until late, so I don't think I'm going to make it to curriculum night.  I'll just stay home and drink.

J:  How pleasant!

M:  In some ways, I'd rather stay home and drink.  Maybe we should bring drinks to curriculum night and take a shot every time they say we have to sign something.

Me:  Or mention the STAAR test (State standardized tests blow)

M:  I'll be hammered by the end!

Me:  You have twins, so that means you have to drink doubles.

J:  How about we shotgun a beer every time the PowerPoint screws up or someone asks if we can hear them.  

M:  Man, Amy, you're going to miss some fun!

Me:  Nah.  Y'all just need to FaceTime me so I can be present.  Best. Curriculum. Night. Ever.

Don't judge me.  You're just jealous you didn't think of it before you had to go to Curriculum Night