Waaaiiit...What?

I've mentioned that my youngest has Autism.  In order to give him every chance for success, he has been in intensive therapy since he was 14 months old.  As a result, I have spent countless hours in waiting rooms.  Last week I was sorta sent over the edge and it inspired me to write a short dissertation on waiting room etiquette.  I've broken it into a few simple categories for you.

Children and Parenting
I love my children.  We all know this.  I am extremely thankful that I'm a hardass when it comes to behavior in public places.  Oh, sure they act like little assholes at home, but they are angels in public 98% of the time.

• I'd like to gently suggest that you NOT allow your children to climb all over waiting room furniture, particularly the chair that I am sitting in.  This is especially true when they are over the age of 10.  
• It shouldn't be necessary for me to don full pads and a helmet just to sit and wait for my child.  When your child throws everything, it makes me want to throw you.
• If your child needs a diaper change, please use the changing facility available or go out to your car.  This is especially true for major blow-outs.  Much like the football gear, I don't often carry gas masks to appointments.  
• While we're on the topic of changing clothes, please do not strip your child nekkid and change her into her dance outfit in the middle of the waiting room.  Wrong time.  Wrong place.
• I'm all for breast feeding.  I nursed mine.  I even nursed in public when I had to.  I never ever just took my shirt off and got after it.  Just sayin'.

Personal Hygiene

These are things I've actually witnessed while in a waiting room.

• Do NOT cut your toenails.
• Do NOT discuss your test results with the office manager.  She does not care about your last pap smear.  I promise.  Besides, you're at the dentist.
• I love make-up, but I apply it at home.  No need to lay the entire Clinique counter out on the chair next to you.
• Do not blow-dry, curl,  or straighten your hair.
• Do not hock a loogey and spit it in the trash can.
• For the love of all things good and holy, if you're going to chew gum, do so with your mouth closed.
• Eating a light snack is understandable.  Eating a large order of fajitas is not.  And while we're on the topic of eating, no fish, curry, or broccoli should ever be eaten in a common waiting area. Ever.  No excuses. 

Cell Phones and iPads

• Put your phone on vibrate and turn off the text typing sounds
• If you're going to watch YouTube videos or catch up on your Netflix, please use some earbuds.  We don't all have the same taste in quality programming.  Besides, what if I haven't seen that episode yet?  You've ruined my experience, you jerk!
• Your playlist is not necessarily necessary for those of us waiting.  Please do not have your own personal dance party with your favorite jams.
• If you're alone in a waiting room, by all means, chit-chat all you want.  In a room full of people, a quick phone call is understandable; however, if you're going to get into a lengthy conversation about your babydaddy situation, your night at the club, your recent medical test results (please see Personal Hygiene for more), your legal issues, or your neighbor's bad parenting skills (oh, the irony), please step outside.

That's all I've got today.  I'm sure I can come up with more, but I want to hear YOUR worst waiting room experience!

Summer Lovin'...pffftthhh

Didja miss me??  I've been wanting to write a post for about two months now, but I haven't had time.  Wanna know why?  Because SUMMER, that's why!   My children won't leave me the hell alone!  All the free, unstructured time does something to them.  They turn into little assholes, siphoning every ounce of patience I have.  They want to eat 24 hours a day, fight constantly over the living room TV (we have another one upstairs!), and expect me to spend a million dollars a day to keep them entertained.

Did I just say all of that out loud?  

I mean, I adore them.  Yay, summer!

I was nervous from the get-go because my little dude needs some structure.  I took the bull by the freakin' horns and created a Super Stoker Schedule  to provide structure and keep us from being bored. In an effort to help fill our days I went to the Mecca for activities, Pinterest, which resulted in extreme anxiety.  So many summer crafts.  (Y'all already know how I feel about Pinterest.  If you need a refresher, read my VD post).  But, it's OK.  I'm a big girl.  I can do this. 

I'm going to be straight up honest with you.  That schedule lasted about two weeks.  Oh well.  I tried.

My kids have spent the summer going to pools, playing with friends, watching too much TV, and eating more than an NFL team.  I've spent the summer at the pool with them and visiting with my friends (NEW MOM ADVICE: pick your kids' friends based on the cool moms, y'all!) but I've also been refereeing, nagging at them to clean up their messes, and wishing I could install a wine tap in my kitchen.  I'll be honest. (SHOCKER!)  After about two weeks I was really wishing for year-round school.  I was exhausted.  Some days it felt like there was not enough coffee or wine in the state of Texas.  Who's with me on this one?  

What I'm trying to say is, I will be glad when school starts.  My liver can't handle much more.  I can't wait for routine.  I can't wait for football.  I can't wait for cooler weather.  I can't wait for yoga pants!  

But, enough about me.  Let's talk more about....oh, who the hell am I kidding.  Let's talk more about me.  We are finally in the month of August, and you know what that means....

I had the best freakin' birthday EVER.  The stars, moon, and planet were perfectly aligned.  My children were angels all day long.  That night, we had dinner with some wonderful friends.  I may or may not have had a glass or two or ten of wine.

I had to drink Amy's wine on my birthday.  Duh.

Sorry for the blurry picture, but this is me letting the musician at The Tasting Room know how completely unacceptable it is that he doesn't know "More Than Words".  Who DOESN'T know that song?  It is a classic!  Extreme was the shiz.  And before you start, they were NOT a one hit wonder.  Their follow-up jam "Hole Hearted" was also a favorite of mine.  He didn't know that one either.  Maybe he needs a new career path.  Just sayin'.

Speaking of career paths,  I am embarking on a new adventure of my own.  

I will be the office manager at the same preschool where my littlest one went.  Like it says at the top, I love Jesus (even though I like to cuss a little), and I really feel like I was lead to this particular position.  It will be the best of both worlds for me.  I will have the flexibility to be Mom first while working in a Faith-centered environment.  Yes, they know about my blog and they hired me anyway.  I'm looking forward to working with some amazing women.  I mean, they laugh at my jokes, so I think we're going to get along just fine.  I have already started working a few days a week and I am so excited about the future.  It's been a long time since I've looked forward to going to work.  

But, y'all!!!  The best part is that  I have highlighters in every color!  Do you even know how excited I am about all my office supplies?  

What?  

You expected more? 

Stay tuned, boys and girls. This school year will be a memorable one, I just know it.  I'm training for my second marathon, working, and both boys will be in school.  Throw in soccer, piano lessons, therapy, regular life, and all the world's idiots, and I'm bound to have some prime blogging material.  

Missed y'all!