I wuz runnang...

Yesterday I joined 80,000 of my closest friends to run a half-marathon.  The Chevron Houston Marathon and Aramco Houston Half-Marathon take place simultaneously and take over downtown, the Galleria, and some local farming communities.  What I'm trying to say is that the race is huge.  A few weeks ago I thought I wouldn't be able to run it at all because I was having some foot issues.  Good thing those foot issues turned out to be shoe issues.  

I had already deferred to next year, but decided to un-defer.  I exchanged emails with Amanda who told me to ask for her at the expo and she would personally hand me my bib.  I did, and she did, but come race morning, my friends and family still couldn't track me. I went to the help desk and I was told that I never picked up my bib.  Um, yes I did.  I'm wearing it. 

Turns out Amanda had no recollection of handing me my bib at the expo even though she said, "Oh!  You're the one with the bad shoe!  Glad you're here!" (I think she might be on drugs.  Bless her heart.)  She gave me the wrong bib at the expo.  The bib that I have on in the above picture was not an official bib and that Amy Stoker did not exist.  Are you confused?  There's a simple explanation.  You see, when I decided to un-defer, she reregistered me as an Elite runner.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

That bib never got picked up.  Long story short, (too late) they got me in the system just in the nick of time.  Whew!  I would have hated to not exist!  Apparently the saga is not over, though.  I can't pull up any pictures via my last name or my bib number.  Damn the system!

I still can't believe I'm a runner.  A RUNNER!!  I feel humbled at every single race I run, but his race was something special.  Entry isn't even guaranteed unless you're an Olympic gold medalist from Kenya.  I had to pay $100 to enter the lottery just to see if I'd be selected.  (Kinda like a beauty pageant.)  I have heard more than one person say, "I just did the half."  Excuse me.  It's not just a half.  It's 13 point freakin' 1 miles and you earned that medal!  I can't wait to do it again.  I've already decided that I'm going to run the full Houston marathon next year.  Yes, I am a special kind of crazy. Why do you look so surprised?  I'm all about achieving goals, especially the hard ones.  

  

I do have some race reflections that I'd like to share for runners and non-runners, alike.  Pay close attention.  This is real life advice, people!

1)  If you have to get up to meet your group at 4:00 am, make sure you have fun people to ride with.  Some things said were:
I'd tap Eminem
 Sorry, I was distracted by that guys tights.  You can see his organs.
Was that guy running high?

2)  If you should choose to blow a snot-rocket, please make sure you look next to you before taking your shot.  Ew.

3)  If you are going to just all of a sudden stop running and start walking, MOVE TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!  I almost tripped over a few people.  

4  I like to sing while I run.  So what if I'm singing Eminem's "Shake That" at the top of my lungs.  I'm pretty sure that everyone else agrees that "I smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe and I get mo' ass than a toilet seat" is just good writing.  And don't you dare judge me when you find out that the next song in my playlist was a ballad by One Direction.  I like the Lion King feel of the latest boy fetus band hit.

5)  There were a few turd piles along the route.  I was not in the lead of the pack, and this causes me great concern.  Were people shitting themselves and then dumping it in the middle of the road?  Ew, ew, EEEWWW!!!  There are perfectly good port-a-potties located all along the route.  At least find a bush for crappin' out loud!

6)  Am I the only one who uses a port-a-potty and still reaches back to flush?

7)  Spandex isn't for everyone.  

8  I bet men would be faster if they waxed their back hair

9)  Who finishes a half-marathon and then runs 5 more?  Me, that's who.  My full-marathon is just a month away and my eye is on the prize.  For now, I'll enjoy my PR and focus on my 20 mile training run coming up on Saturday!

It's not a Boston qualifying time, but I'll brag about it all day and twice on Sunday.  It's MY time and I'm damn proud.

So, about my New Year's Resolutions...

Remember when I said I was going to work smarter, not harder and work the hot mom look and find something besides yoga pants to wear?  Yeah, that didn't work out so well today either.  I had to break down and do laundry only because I was out of clean yoga paints.  I felt like I'd failed when I posted that as my status this morning from my phone.  I just HAD to put Facebook back on my phone.  It was  turmoil not knowing if Sally had gone to the gym or not and I seriously need to see the morning selfies and hear your thoughts about the latest episode of the Bachelor.  

In those 36 hours, I missed stuff.  I missed YOU!  

So, yeah, I felt like a failure for falling short of my own expectations for self-improvement for 2014.  But wait! At least I didn't just go buy new yoga pants!  (I may or may not have done that in the past.  Don't judge me.  You don't know my life)  Determined to make something out of this day, I threw on some sweats that I should have gotten rid of 25 lbs ago, just knowing that I'd rock a cute look later for pre-school pick-up and came home to start the laundry.  I was out of detergent.  Well, shit.

I guess I'll paint my bathroom instead.  

Have you ever painted your bathroom?  You uncover a whole new level of nasty when you do that.  You find enough hair to make ten wigs.

I'm not sure what the yellow goo was on the top of the door frame, but I'm just thankful someone had the brilliance to make Clorox wipes.  I'm telling you, if not for Clorox wipes, my house wouldn't get cleaned sometimes.  I know all about Fly Lady and her genius strategies, but I am rebellious and want to just do it my way.  The problem is that when I start to clean, my ADD kicks in and the next thing you know I'm organizing my 7th grade photos.  On the off chance I don't get sidetracked, bad things always happen.  Seriously, y'all.  Last week I attempted to clean my kitchen window and the rails that hold the window open popped out.  I broke the damn window!  This right here is why I've decided my cleaning lady is coming back.  I can't afford to replace windows.

I did manage to finish painting the bathroom in time to get showered and make myself presentable for pick-up.  Clay and I went to Target so that I could buy the detergent to finish the laundry.  Know what?   I decided to try a new laundry detergent....a cheaper one....and I got more yoga pants.

Merry New Year!

Today is January 6 and according to Today on NBC, it is the most depressing day of the year.  I disagree.  The day I had to stop wearing Units was the most depressing day of my....oh, wait!  Depressing day of the year.  I get it.  Sorry, never mind.  So, yeah.  January 6 is the most depressing day of the year. Well, cheer up, buttercup!  Amusing Amy is here for YOU!

We had a simple Christmas, surrounded by Kleenex, Vicks, antibiotics, Mucinex and snot.  My poor kids could not get well, but it was nice to avoid the hustle and bustle.  Hubs was off for two weeks and we got to spend some much-needed time at home all together.  Having said that, if I hear "What Does the Fox Say" one more time, someone is going to lose a limb. 

My oldest always amazes me with his compassion, selflessness and maturity.  This was his letter to Santa.

Who says that and really means it?  When I was 8 years old, I wanted every Barbie under the sun, 5 Care Bears, a skateboard, a hula-hoop and Frogger for the Atari.  Luke just isn't that way when it comes to Christmas.  Every other day of the year he's just as wanty as any other kid and can honestly be quite the jackass, but not Christmas.  My youngest just wanted M&Ms and kept asking over and over for reassurance that Santa wasn't going to come into his room.  His literal mind isn't a big fan of some fat dude in a red suit breaking and entering.

 Despite the sick kiddos, we had a great time being together and even added a new family member!  Everyone, this is Lola.  

We got her from Basset Buddies Rescue Texas and we absolutely love her!  She and Boris are great friends...now.  It took some time.  In fact, this is the conversation that ensued via text with my friend, Wendy.  

Wendy: How's everyone getting along?

Amy: She isn't a fan of Boris bein' in her bidness, but she's adjusting

Wendy: Fair enough - they did just meet 

Amy: She showed him her teeth. Ain't talking smiles.

Wendy: Girl's proud a her grill.

Amy: Or her snatch.

Wendy: We are all proud of our snatch!!! . I just might already love her!

Amy: I guess I'd show my teeth in a non-smiling way too if some stranger's nose was there.

Wendy: See!

Amy: She got a bath. Snatch was staaaaanky. 

Wendy: Whew. 

Amy: And I got her some doggie "freshen up spray"

Wendy: They have snatch spray for pups!?!?

Amy: For when she's feelin' not so fresh

Thirty minutes later....

Wendy: we're hilarious. We should go on the road!

Amy: Yeah. An agent would snatch us right up.

 She is completely lady-like in every way.  

How I have lived my entire life without a Basset Hound, I'll never know.  She is the perfect addition to our crazy!

So, now it's the most depressing day of the year (Units would totally make it better) and we are gearing up to go back to school tomorrow.  HALLELUJAH!  Ahem.  I mean, I'll really enjoy being back on a routine and I think the boys will enjoy me not threatening their earthly existence if they fight one more time, destroy each other's latest Lego creation, or leave those tiny Legos laying around for me to step on.  Ever step on a Lego?  It's worse than childbirth.   

I've made some resolutions for the New Year, and I'm sure you're dying to know what they are.   Simply stated, I want to sport the mom look less and the hot mom look more.  I also want to Dave Ramsey it up over here. I realize that these two resolutions might work against each other, but I really do want to make more of an effort to wear more than workout clothes.  Ok, maybe at least wear make-up with my nice workout clothes. 

 I've decided that my word for 2014 is "le duh", meaning I plan to focus on the obvious.  Work smarter, not harder.  Eliminate distractions that don't make me a better mom/wife/friend/blogger.  (I deleted Facebook from my phone, y'all.  That's huge.) Focus on the things that matter most to me.  Run my first marathon.  Holy cow!  

Stay tuned, kids.  It's gonna be a great year.