Tis the Season...

Y'all. I love Christmas. 

I LOVE Christmas. 

I. LOVE. CHRISTMAS. 

I love the weeks leading up to it. I had a Christmas wedding because I love Christmas so much. My house is usually decorated for Christmas the night before we leave for Thanksgiving just so we can come home to Christmas decorations. I love singing Christmas music. I love everything about it. I love shopping for other people and choosing special gifts for them. I love planning what Santa's 3 gifts will be for each kid...Jesus got 3 gifts so they get 3 gifts. I love watching Christmas movies. I love celebrating my youngest's birthday the week before. I love addressing and receiving cards. I love baking. I love ALL of the Christmas things! But this year, y'all, someone is trying to jack my joy.

It all started right before we left for Thanksgiving. I noticed my giant lab, Boris, had a big, puffy pocket inside his ear. That would be an aural hematoma. Shit. My dog has chronic ear infections due to allergies. We started on allergy shots this summer....yes, you read that correctly. Allergy shots for the DOG...but it hasn't been a long enough period of time for them to work their magic, so homeboy got an ear infection mid-November. With the ear infection comes a lot of flapping and scratching which ultimately caused the hematoma. If you want to be grossed out, watch this hematoma surgery being performed. I shouldn't have, but I did, and now I'm traumatized. Anywho, I knew that we would need to have surgery when we got back because the longer the hematoma stays, the more Boris would scratch it, the bigger it would get, and the more chance for rupture. Ew. So, I took big 'un to the vet the day after we got home and sure enough, surgery was scheduled for the very next day. Side note - we closed all of our credit cards the week before Thanksgiving because we (translation: I) want (translation: need) to be forced to stop using them. Yes, I had to give myself some tough love. It was ugly and there were tears and gnashing of teeth but I pulled up my big girl panties and got over it. Needless to say, the first week in December wasn't exactly optimal time to have a doggy surgery, but it was necessary, so you gotta do what you gotta do. Long story short, the vet got in there and while the hematoma was pretty straight-forward, apparently he had a lot of funk in the ear that had to be removed and the surgery ended up costing $800. For real. 

We get Big Boris and his drunk, drugged up self home and it was so pitiful. He laid around for 2 days. And then the meds and anesthesia wore off and he went full-on crazy. I let him out and he started dragging his $800 ear in the grass and then scratching it. Oh hell no! You scratch the $800 ear, you get the cone. That dog was slamming into walls and door frames and ripped half of the ornaments off the tree with that thing. It was broken in half in a day! This is why we can't have nice things y'all. So, cone number two came into our lives. What you also need to know is that he is on his second head wrap. Yes, second. We had to go back to the vet this morning because he pulled the damn thing off. In the middle of the night last night, he wacked into a wall (on purpose I'm sure) which was the final demise of cone number 2

It make it 2 days. We are now on cone number 3. 

This bitch is indestructible.

Please note the look of "Mom, I'm so going to pee in your closet."

The vet and I were talking about him and the fact that he's so agitated even when he's on his max dose of pain/anxiety meds. So, she did what any good doc would do. SHE PRESCRIBED XANAX. Oh, for the love.

The other thing that happened this week is that I got a speeding ticket. In a school zone. Right by my house. That's right. The PTO president was speeding. In the freaking school zone. Mr Motorcycle Cop asked me why I was speeding in said school zone. I stopped myself before telling him "It's been a stressful few days with my dog and I need to get to the liquor store before my kids get home" Something tells me he wouldn't have cared.

So, I've made it to Wednesday. The vet adventure this morning was quite interesting and the pharmacy called to verify that yes, indeed, the Xanax was for the DOG. I had a wonderful lunch with a great girlfriend and then I thought I'd stop by the store for a nice bottle of wine for tonight's dinner. The universe said, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" This was in the form of a very sad phone call from my youngest crying at school because he didn't feel good and needed to come home.

I know. I should count my blessings. I have a warm house. My dog is totally zoned out. Both boys are doing well in school. I can shop online next week. I have a great job that I love. I have amazing friends. Hubby and I have just celebrated our 16th anniversary. The cold front is here. I'm staring at my gorgeous Christmas tree, sitting by the fire. The only thing that could make it more perfect is a glass of wine....but I'm out.

The BIG 4-0!!

Y'all, I'm more excited about turning 40 than I was about turning 16 or 21. August 1, 2016 will be the best day ever! I remember being 16 and my mom turning 40. I thought she was such a grown-up. At that time, and even up until recently, I thought all Forty year olds had their shit together. I mean, seriously. Forty year olds are supposed to be debt free, with 6 months worth of savings in the bank, and their kids' college educations fully funded. Forty year olds are supposed to behave themselves and take vitamins every day. Forty year olds are supposed to live every moment with and for their children.

Um....This girl? Not so much. But, who cares?

I am at an age where I can honestly say, with absolute certainty and sincerity, that I no longer give a damn what anyone thinks of me. I may not be debt free with 6 months savings and fully-funded college educations, but I will one day. (In the meantime, know anyone who wants to buy or sell a house?) I have learned that I have to take time for myself and I absolutely have to have time with my girlfriends. Know what else I've learned? Taking family vacations with just my husband and my kids is the best thing ever. We just spent the week in Colorado and it was so fun to get away from reality and just be together. Just me and my perfect little family. And a hailstorm, but whatever. Yay for being an adult and having great insurance!

I am more comfortable in my body now than ever. Sure, parts of my body are lower than they used to be and I've got tiger stripes. (That sounds so much better than stretch-marks, don't you think?) I have pains in new places everyday and make noises that only my grandma used to make, but y'all, I've been through so much! And I am STRONG! In 40 years, I lost my mother and became a mother myself. I graduated from the best university in the world. WHOOP! I have not just navigated roads people fear, but made the path wide enough to support others on their journey. I am in better physical shape now than I was 20 years ago. I trained for 3 marathons and in the process, completed 6 half marathons and 2 full marathons in the past 3 years, and it's all because I wanted to complete a 5K before I turned 40. I grew, inside my body, the two most gorgeous boys on the planet. I don't hesitate to jump on stage and sing with the band. I can do the splits and the worm...but not at the same time. That would be dangerous. 

So, everyone go grab a glass of wine and let's celebrate....all month long!!

Glory Days

Kids these days just don't have the great products that we, the children of the 80's, had. My kid said to me a few weeks ago on a 3 hour car trip, "I really wish I had data on my iPad so that I could just watch Netflix." I nearly ran the car off the road as I explained how fortunate he is. When I was a kid, I was stuck in the back of my parents' Toyota Corolla hatchback with my Speak 'n Spell, books, and music. He says "Oh, did you just have an old Mp3 player or something?" Bless his heart. I said, "No, dude! I had a cassette player!" He goes, "What's a cassette?" A little piece of my heart died. Then, my friend, Amy, posted a picture from May 1989 on Facebook. (My mom used to call her "Pretty Amy" and I am quite certain it has something to do with my low self esteem and constant need for approval and reassurance but I'm not at all bitter about it.)

See what I mean? She's gorgeous. And that hair! I tried so hard to achieve hair greatness like that, but it just never quite got there. A few years ago Amy caught her hair on fire during the Christmas Eve candlelight service. Let's all thank the good Lord it didn't happen in the days of Aquanet and Rave, or she'd be a gonner.

 Look at this magnificent chronicle of 80's grandeur. There's a Le Clic camera on the floor, y'all. And do you notice that wooden peg thing over her left shoulder? That's a bandana with a ceramic heart. That necklace was proudly worn with the denim jumper, white shirt with the large ruffled collar, and red Keds. That turntable was the bomb. Zoom in. Relive your youth. 

I so remember the days of big hair, matching my bow to my socks, and singing along with Milli Vanilli at the top of my lungs. Watching my kid enter this stage of life is quite amusing. I am taking great pleasure in continuing to be as obnoxious as I've always been, much to his dismay, but to the complete and utter delight of his friends. Hey, at least they think I'm cool, even though I never had a Le Clic camera or a hair crimper.

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Greatest Hits? Who knew?

I spent the weekend with him and his soccer team in Wichita, Kansas. (To all of my Texas friends that think Oklahoma sucks, you ain't been to Wichita.) Let me just say this. It became very clear to me this weekend that I was really destined to be a boy mom, but daaaaang do they stink. I couldn't decide what the dead, rotten, decaying, corpse-ass smell was coming from the back of my car until I got a good whiff of my kids backpack that held his cleats. You know in cartoons when they show a green hazy flow coming off of something? It was exactly like that. I swear. Cleaning and/or burning those items was the first thing on my to-do list when we got home. But, aside from the stench, the boys were hilarious. One of my favorite moments was when one of my kid's buddies asked me, "Ms. Amy, have you ever heard the song 'The Cars That Go Boom'?" Oh, bless your heart, young one. That was my 7th grade jam! I did what any good mom would do. I pulled that bad boy up on iTunes, turned the volume up, rolled down the windows and threw a little dance party for the 5 people in my car. I sang. I gyrated. I impressed the snot out of them. Oh yes, I did. 

I've lost my ever-lovin' mind. Y'all, I am the president-elect for the middle school PTO. I don't even have a kid in middle school yet, but I've just gone balls to the wall with my volunteerism and level of parental involvement. What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking that the middle school people are my tribe. I get them. They get me. I taught 6th, 7th, and 8th graders for 9 years before I "retired" to stay home with my kiddos. I know that these teachers want food and booze. I haven't told my incoming middle schooler yet. We'll see how well that goes over. 

cue maniacle laugh