I love Christmas. I love being together as a family. I love the Biblical message and the true reason for celebrating. I love singing Christmas music with my choir and singing "O Holy Night" on Christmas Eve. I love seeing the looks on my children's faces as they see what the fat man brought them. I love to glitter the shit out of my mantle, banister, and tree. Oh, and presents. I love them. What I don't love? Skipping October and November.
I understand the retailers trying to capitalize on the crazy people who finish their Christmas shopping in July, so they quickly shove the patriotic garb out of the way in order to make room for the giant inflatable Darth Vader in a santa hat holding a light saber that is actually a snow globe. I understand that it's easier to budget and spread out the purchases over a few months. I understand that networks sell advertising space to fill our commercial breaks with news of sales and that the Lexus looks more appealing with the big red bow. I understand that every kiss begins with K and Santa buys crap for Mrs. Clause at his local mall jeweler. I understand that elaborate plans must be written so that your creepy elf can turn the milk green, make a snow angel in the kitty litter and zipline across the living room when he makes his grand entrance.
But I beg of you, for the love of dressing and gravy, WAIT UNTIL AFTER WE EAT THE BIRD!!!
It happened yesterday, November 14. I saw a beautiful, shiny, blue BMW with antlers and a red nose. Seriously? The guy around the corner has his lights on his house, fake snow sprayed on his windows, and I'm sure a pot of wassail bubbling away on the stove. Don't get me wrong. I've been known to have my decorations up for Thanksgiving only because we would celebrate Christmas the next day with our out of town family. In fact, I purchased a new 9ft tree on sale yesterday and I am going to actually string the lights myself because I'm a cheap ass and I'm going to start tomorrow because I have no idea how long it will actually take for me to lovingly wrap each branch with white lights. (How's that for a run-on?) But that's where decking my halls will stop until after we sit around the table with people we love to eat a dead bird and some delicious carb-laden side dishes. And pie. I refuse to give thanks in a hurry and skip thirds so that I can go out and practice my ninja-like martial arts skills to get a special deal on a Furby at a Black Friday sale that starts at midnight on Thanksgiving Day. There is no sale worth that, in my opinion. "But you can find such great deals!!" Yeah, you know what else I can find? My bed. I guess if I had no children and the ability to sleep all day the next day, or I suddenly took on a diet of 5 hr energy, coffee and No-Doze I might consider it. Since that ain't happening, I'll just pay an extra $3 for my Furby.
Stay tuned for my next post about why it's better for everyone if you just pony up the cash and buy the pre-lit tree.
