Because I F%&$ing Told You So!!!

Why?  

Why do we do stupid things after people tell us specifically to not do that one thing that we are about to do?  For instance, when someone says, "Do NOT eat at _____ restaurant," why do we think, "Oh, it can't be bad if there are always cars in the parking lot,"and then expect people to feel sorry for us when we get food poisoning?  Why did we go back to that boyfriend/girlfriend that broke our heart and then couldn't understand why our friends didn't show sympathy after the 3rd breakup?  Why do we insist on that 5th glass of wine when our best friend says, "Girl, you're done!"  Why do we continue to have nights with said best friend and wine when we know we don't recover quite as quickly as we did when we were 21 and the next day is full of kid birthday parties at Chuck-e-cheese and soccer games?  Oh wait, those last two were me.

My sweet 8 year old is incredibly smart, loves to read, is the best big brother EVER, and has been pretty damn close to perfect...until recently.  Remember the post that started it all?  (The day I backed into the damn tree for those of you with foggy memories, or those of you on your very own glass number 5)  I totally blame him for the destruction of the bumper because I told him not to run over the benches like hurdles in the parking lot full of jagged-edged rocks.  Did he listen?  Hell no!  As he sat there screaming like his leg was caught in a steel, sharp-toothed trap, I looked at him and said, "Didn't I tell you not to jump over the benches?"  I know.  I'm so compassionate.  Call me Florence Nightengale.    Well, tonight was another one of those instances.  I swear to you, I wonder often which of my boys has special needs.  The 4 year old has the diagnosis but the 8 year old leaves me baffled.  Let's just say that the conversation went something like this:

Luke:  Mom!  I really hurt myself and I'm bleeding to death!!

Me:  Luke, I don't have time for this.  Clay is in bed and Daddy is out of town.  

Luke:  But it's really, really baaaaaaaaaaaad!

Me:  What happened?

Luke:  (Sobbing) I hit my foot on the dining room table.  

Me:  (Thinking he stubbed his toe) Did you hurt the table?

Luke:  MOM!  It's bad and I'm bleeding!

***Sure enough, he has quite a bit of the red stuff coming from the back of his heel, just near his Achilles Tendon***

Me:  What did you do?

Luke:  Well, I was doing handstands in the dining room, and....

Me:  Wait, what?  I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO HANDSTANDS IN THE HOUSE!!

Luke:  You just told me not to do them in the living room.

And this, ladies and gentleman, is why I need that aforementioned wine.

Cheers.

Not so random thoughts...

As I sit and read my Facebook feed, I can feel the muscles tighten in my neck and back over the smallest grammatical errors penned by COLLEGE GRADUATES!!   I know that I'm guilty of a comma splice and over-punctuating, but come on, people!  These are things that you should know before entering high school! The blunders that raise my blood pressure quickly are the to-too-two, they're-their-there, then-than, and lose-loose mix-ups.  You go to the party with Trent and me.  You don't go to the party with Trent and I.  Who ever went to a party with a person named I?  Don't even get me started on things like "I should of gone to the store" or "Irregardless" because I will not stop.  Oh, and recently I saw a funny e-card that said, "Every time you use an apostrophe to make a word plural, a puppy dies."  SO TRUE! 

Having said these things, there is one more point that burns deep inside my grammar-loving soul.  Good Texans should know how to spell the blessed union of you and all.  Come on back to second grade with me (not with I, you moron).  Think hard.  

"Y'all" is correct.  

"Ya'll" will send me into a complete rage.  

I'll be praying for y'all.  

Next topic...

Why I think auto-correct is from the devil in he'll

I've got nuthin'

I'm sorry I've been away.  I know you were all anxiously anticipating my next riveting post, but damn if life didn't get in the way!  I managed to make it through the past two weeks without selling either of my children to the circus or running away to live by myself in the mountains somewhere.  I totally considered both options, but I wouldn't get the tax credit without the kids and I'd miss my husband and my dog.  Kidding!! (sort of).

I'm not really sure what sort of wisdom you need me to share with you today, so I'll ask...What do you want to hear from me?  What topics would you like me to cover?  Any questions about life decisions, parenting, gardening, or yodeling?  Ask, and I shall answer!

Just a few reasons why I'll never be Mom of the Year

I love my children.  I really do.  Being a full-time mother was my dream from an early age.  Well, that and winning Star Search, but whatever.  God blessed me with two gorgeous boys and the ability to stay home with them.  We have so much fun together for the most part, but no amount of love can prevent those days where you really just want to list them on Craigslist.  That being said, I'm sure there are days where I should be sold on Craigslist so that they can have a better mom and my sweet husband can have a better wife.

Here are some of my most shining moments...

• That time I drove for an hour without the kid being buckled in his car seat
• That time I sat and drank chardonnay while watching The Wiggles at 2 pm. (It was an Australian blend)
• That time I was so sleep deprived that as I was carrying my newborn I totally ran into the door frame with his head.
• That time I locked both children in the car while it was running and had to try to explain to my 3 year old how to unbuckle his seatbelt and unlock the door
• That time I couldn't find the oldest child for a while and then heard faint noises only to find him locked in the car in the dark garage (apparently he didn't remember how to unlock the door from the previously mentioned incident)
• That time the 11 month old fell out of the basket at Target and hit the floor because the 4 year old unbuckled him.
• That time I was convinced "motherfucker" was going to be my youngest's first word
• That time I told my oldest that all the Little Einsteins died because I couldn't stand to listen to "pat, pat, pat, pat" one more damn time
• That time I told the preschool that I would come get my screaming, fever-running child after my haircut was finished (What?  I couldn't leave with half of my hair cut!)
• That time I left a basket FULL of groceries at the store because I couldn't stand to be in the store for one more second with two screaming, whining children.
• That time I tore up the hubby's reimbursement check before making sure the mobile deposit went in
• That time I sent my fair-skinned child to soccer camp without a ball or sunscreen (for the second day in a row thankyouverymuch)
• Did I mention that time I backed into a damn tree and didn't feel at all sorry for my kid who had just fallen and was screaming like his leg had been blown off in battle???

After texting with my cousin this morning and hearing that she sent her youngest to school with dog shit on his shoe because she was so mad at him she wouldn't let him do anything more than wipe it on the grass, It made me wonder what your proudest Mommy/Wife moments are.  PLEASE SHARE!!!!  Use the comments section!  If you're too ashamed to go public, just post as "anonymous" or "Anastasia Beaverhausen" and I promise you, we will not judge!!!

Words of wisdom

How often do you hear your mother's words come out of your own mouth?  

I lost my gorgeous mom too soon, but she really did more for me in 19 years than most mothers do for their children in a lifetime.  She was patient, caring, understanding, non-judgemental, and freaking hilarious.  As an only child, and a girl-child at that, I had the opportunity for LOTS of quality bonding.  I'm not sure how she managed to speak to me from the ages of 12-16, but whatever.  That's another blog post.  I always thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever known and she had the most amazing voice.  Her words of advice, though irritating, still resonate in my mind.

This is her senior picture.  

The photographer won awards because of the color enhancements he did with the feathers.  

Fancy.

This is one of my favorite pictures of her.   

 Yes, she told me typical things like:

"Never say never."

"Always keep a quarter with you in case you need to call home." 

(Am I dating myself?)

"Breathe from your toes if you want to hit that high note dead-on."

"Do it right the first time and you won't have to do it again."

"It's better to be single than to be with an asshole."

But I feel the most important advice she gave had to do with appearance.
Go ahead, call me shallow.  She was a beauty queen, so she knew what she was talking about:

"No make-up in the world will cover up bad skin, so wash your face and use moisturizer everyday."

"People may not notice your new outfit, but bad hair and bad make-up can't be easily forgotten."

"Amy Leigh, don't wear stirrup pants.  If you fart, you'll blow your shoes off." 

(I was a gassy thing.)

"Just because it's in style and they make it in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it."

I really do find myself saying these things often...well, all except for the stirrup pants bit.  Let's be clear, I am not petite.  I am 5'10" and after losing 40 pounds, I'm still a size 12.  I will NOT be seen in a string bikini, Daisy Dukes, low-rise jeans, or a peplum.  EVER.  Some things just aren't meant to go on this body, no matter how successful I am with my weight-loss.  

WHY CAN'T THE REST OF THE WORLD GET ON BOARD?

My mom started teaching me to dress for my size and shape about the time I started junior high.  I guess she wanted to make sure I would have the knowledge necessary to put together flattering color palettes and slimming looks for my growing and developing body.  Having said that, I'm quite certain that she had a game plan early on to keep me humble.
Why in the hell else would she have dressed me like this??????

Sorry if you're blinded by my awesome yellow shirt.  I should have warned you. My bad!  Man, I was rockin' those parachute pants.  I'm pretty sure we were expecting rain.  The wooden necklace, matching bracelet and velcro straps on my shoes really add an element that says, 

"Don't screw with me, bitches, or I WILL CUT YOU!"  

At least my cousin, Kate, suffered a similar misfortune.

Black is slimming....

Unless you're fat and wearing an acid-washed skirt pulled up to your ribs. The fake Gucci purse that I just had to have really pulls the outfit together, don't you think?  The look on my face suggests that I was skeptical from the get-go.  Go with your gut! Always go with your gut!

What is with my hair in all of these pictures?  I look like a mullet gone wrong.

I remember being so proud of my favorite "Katy Tiger Red and White" shirt.

What you can't see is that these fabulous overalls have belt loops and I am sporting a red belt. At least I felt pretty??

I really have no words for this look.  

Wait, I totally do.

What the hell, Mom?  

Buckwheat???  Suspenders??  PUFFY PANTS ON THE FAT KID??

Not nice.  Rude, actually.

To my point, Clay just looked at this picture and said, "Mom, are you a boy?"

It's a good thing that you told me over and over to lighten up and not take myself quite so seriously. 

Let's be clear, I make an ass of myself on a daily basis.

Still, no amount of alcohol in Cancun would make that gold belt from Express that I loved and wore every damn day ok, today.

Love you, Mom!  

Thanks for all you taught me, even if I had to learn the hard way.

Ask and you shall receive....

This is the first of what I hope will be many posts to my new blog.
Why, you may ask, is it called Amusing Amy?
Am I that full of myself that I think I'm just so funny everyone will want to read what I have to say?  Heavens, no.  This is mainly to amuse myself.  

I really do enjoy writing, and I've been told that I am good at it.  

I mean, really, my last three Facebook posts say it all.  

They were all made within a four hour time span on Sunday, July 7, 2013

Who backs into a tree?  WHO??  

I know it's shady to blame the kids, but I totally do.

In case it is not clear, that is a bottle of Merlot with a straw.  

I eventually switched to a glass because I kept losing my straw in the bottle.

(Note to self....get longer straws)

 Really??  REALLY???  I've lost 40 lbs in the last year. I'm training for a damn marathon, people!  

I CAN NOT BELIEVE I BROKE THE CHAIR!!!  

It was almost in slow motion, but it wasn't.  You know what I mean?  

The son of a bitch just ripped right down the middle.  

Screw you, Academy!  "The Right Stuff The Right Price" my ass.  

How about "Cheap shit will not last and you will fall on your ass."  

Now, that's a slogan!!

And then my sweet friend, Melody, made an innocent suggestion.  

Well, guess what people!  You asked for it!!!

I have work to do, but welcome aboard!